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- For Love & Money is a biweekly column from Insider answering your relationship and money questions.
- A reader asks how to tell their inlaws that they can’t afford the luxurious lifestyle of this week.
- Our columnist recommends that you hold a standing meeting in your house, however awkward.
- Got a question for our columnist? Write to For Love & Money using This Google form.
Dear For Love & Money,
My in-laws were about to downsize, but my family was offered the chance to move into their home. They would then renovate it to create an apartment for themselves.
Given the current housing market and rising student loan costs, we accepted their offer. It was a good decision overall. However, it does have its problems.
How can I help my wife and myself navigate the stages of our lives with respect to income? My father-in-law earns six figures and we are on a single, limited income. It’s frustrating for us to tell our children that we don’t have the money or are unable to afford more expensive living arrangements.
Do you have any suggestions for how we can adjust our budgets or have that conversation?
Sincerely,
Thankful, But Thrifty
Dear Thankful
Multigenerational living can be both challenging and rewarding. It sounds like you are currently experiencing some of both.
While you didn’t give specific examples of times when your inlaws made more money than your spouse, it seems like this is down to places where you have scrimped but now feel pressure to be extravagant. You might feel that they are forcing you to pay if they buy things without your consent and then expect you to approve.
What I appreciated about your letter was that you didn’t place blame on your inlaws generosity, but on income differences. You seem to understand and appreciate their right for them to live the lifestyles they choose, but you cannot participate.
Remember that you aren’t being offensive in your opinion. It’s not your job to judge or resent your in-laws. It would be like going for a run with an Olympic sprinter — there’s no shame or shade in letting them know you simply can’t keep up.
Set up a meeting at your home to start the process.
Here’s what I would say: I would contact them to discuss a standing-room meeting. The conversation will be awkward and uncomfortable the first couple times. But it’s better to have some anxiety before confronting your loved ones.
Scheduling the meeting will also give you the opportunity to add all necessary disclaimers to the proceedings — we just want everyone to be on the same page. Transparency is what we want. We are open to communication. We don’t want anyone to keep grievances hidden away. Because I am familiar with in-law or roommate relationships and know that there are grievances. Therefore, a standing house meeting can be a good idea no matter your financial situation.
It’s important to have fun once it is set. Have it around the fire pit — bring drinks, bake cookies — make an evening out of it. Everyone should feel relaxed and not feel like they are being attacked. This is a great opportunity to have fun and show everyone how much you care. Your income bracket (i.e. The backyard, rather than in a fancy restaurant
You might say this to start the conversation: “We appreciate your invitation to live at your house. It has made our lives so much easier and saved us so much stress. We also talk about how great it was to have you all around. However, we are still not as financially stable as we would like. It’s important that we make use of the time you so generously gave us to save for our future. We are grateful for your help in reaching our goal. This means being more thrifty.
This is where I’d be specific. For example, “To reduce our grocery bill, we must buy store-brand food as often as possible.” Explain that this will not affect their lifestyle and that you are happy for them to make separate purchases from current-shared purchases. You will let them know that you are unable to keep up with the pace of your financial goals.
Here are some options for you to consider when negotiating costs
While there will be some areas that you can live a different lifestyle, others will not allow you to. You will need to reach an agreement that is mutually beneficial if your in-laws share your utility bills. They may like the house warmer in the summer than you would like. These dilemmas can be approached in a number of ways.
One, it is possible to do some research and discover the real cost difference. We can think however we like. Credit cards don’t count as real money or that forgetting to turn the lights off when we leave the room is going to financially break us — we all have some irrational perceptions of costs that were instilled in us as children. To ensure they don’t feel the financial pressure that you are asking them for, it is important to get rid of all financial fears.
You can compromise on two points. You can set the thermostat to the middle of your preferred temperature or choose the mid-range option to do house updates.
Or three, and this is the hard one — you can use the house meeting as an opportunity to ask how they would feel about dividing your shared expenses in proportion to income rather than down the middle. It’s possible they won’t agree to it if they are the type of person who believes everyone should have their own way in life. You may not realize it, but this is their life and future, so they might be more invested in your financial well-being than you realize.
We are rooting for you all
For Love & Money
