Lily Coulter, a 17-year-old high school senior from Charleston, SC, isn’t sure what finally set her off last March.
Coulter was at volleyball practice when she suddenly began to sob uncontrollably. Coulter was an academically gifted student, an athlete and is now the senior class president.
“It all came quickly, but it was built up from 2 weeks of prior anxiety,” she says.
“I was stressed about my school work and I felt like practice was taking away from my time to get things done,” Lily says.
At home that evening, Lily’s mom, Krysten, could hear that things were off as her daughter tried to talk it out. “I remember just listening because what she was saying was irrational and she just needed a chance to vent,” says her mom.
After that, Lily went to her bedroom and enjoyed some alone time. After a while, she sat down at the piano and lost herself in her music for several hours. After some time she was able calm down.
“I’m lucky that both times I’ve had panic attacks, I was able to work through it on my own,” she says.
Krysten Coulter was still concerned for her daughter that night. The pressure to succeed at school was just too much. She worried that it was starting to take a toll on Lily’s mental health. She is unsure where it will end.
Lily will be leaving home next year for her first year at college. Lily’s mom is already nervous about that. “She’s put pressure like this on herself since kindergarten. I worry how she’ll cope if we’re not there.”
The pressure is real
This scenario is very common, according to psychologist Madeline Levine PhD, author of Ready or Not? Preparing our Children to Thrive In an Uncertain and Rapidly Changing world. Levine said that Lily is feeling the burden of academic pressure more than ever.
“Twenty-five years ago, when you asked a child about their biggest source of stress, they would say that there was a divorce or that they were fighting with their sibling.”
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“Now it’s always the stress of school,” Levine says.
And the pandemic hasn’t helped. The rates of DepressionAccording to studies, anxiety and depression have increased by twofold in school-aged children during the pandemic. The source of the increase isn’t clear, but kids often internalize the expectations in the culture around them, Levine says.
These messages could be sent by their friends, their family members or via social media. “Messages come from all over the place, but the most salient messages come from your parents,” Levine says.
Tools to Reduce Academic Stress
Levine says there are some things parents can do to keep their kids in school, and help them see the bigger picture.
- Do not solely focus on grades. “If you’re only focused on grades, you end up having an 11-year-old who’s thinking they’re only as good as their last performance,” she says.
- Ask questions and be curious – and not just about school performance. Ask them questions and be curious. What do they not like? Which clubs, teams, or activities do they belong to? Do they belong to a supportive social circle? Are they isolated? “You can never listen to your child too much,” Levine says.
- Unstructured time is okay. Kids and teens need to have at least some time each day just to “mess around.” It doesn’t always have to be schoolwork or planned extracurricular activities. It’s even better if this downtime can happen outdoors in nature.
- If possible, enjoy dinner with your kids. It’s a good chance to listen for problems and get ahead of them so they’re easier to deal with. It’s also important for your child to know that the family unit is protective against stress. No matter how busy school gets, the family will always be there.
- Talking about wealth is not something you should be discussing with your children. Instead of talking about a neighbor’s fancy new car or swimming pool, focus on what people do to help each other and their community. Levine suggests that children should learn to appreciate the value of a social worker and not the Silicon Valley billionaire genius.
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There are many ways that academic pressure stress can manifest itself. Be aware of big changes in mood and behavior. While it’s normal for kids to be in a bad mood now and then, big shifts might be a sign of more serious problems.
Some teens are very clear about it. Teens can make threats, cause violence, disrupt school events, and even start fights. Levine states that these are rare cases. It is more common for young people to feel anxious, depressed, and withdraw from school.
It can be difficult to identify. You might notice excessive self-criticism, sleep problems, sudden changes in Body weightThey may lose interest in the activities they once enjoyed or talk about self-harm (including suicide).
These cases may indicate that professional help is necessary. A psychiatrist can refer you to a qualified mental health counselor. psychiatristFind out what’s happening in your area.
Look Ahead
Lily Coulter understands firsthand the difficulties of balancing academics, music and sports with friends, family, and mental health. She took time to reflect on the summer and decided to make a shift.
To ease some of the pressure from last spring, she decided not to play on the volleyball team her senior year. She says she already feels better about it and she’s excited for her final year of high school.
