At 60 I’m learning to accept financial support from my daughter

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• After many years of working in non-profits, I’m now nearing 60 and don’t have any retirement savings or pension.
• Financial help is “supposed” to flow from parent to child in North America. However, this has not been the case for my family.
• Although it was difficult, my son-in law and daughter are supporting me financially.

Soon, I will be sixty-six. The thought of retiring is frightening to me. It would be terrifying, or at least it would be, if my daughter wasn’t with me in an extraordinary relationship. 

I will need to stop working in my late twenties. Without help, my standard of living would be very low if I did. Because my monthly income from Canada will only be $1,500, it is impossible. 

I have never held a job that included a pension. been able to save. My current average rent for a 1-bedroom apartment in Toronto is $2,100. I rent a 2 bedroom apartment that is rent-controlled for $1,800. I share it with a recent refugee. It helps us both.

I am currently on the waiting list for decent, subsidized senior housing. It could cost me as low as $600 per monthly. It takes 12 years to get on the waiting list, but I was able to find out about it quickly. If I do need assisted living, you can find out more here. I just can’t bear the thought of that. Ontario, along with many other North American states, has confirmed that seniors are not considered to be able to live independently after the pandemic. 

My financial journey was not linear

I grew up in a family that favored race and privilege. It was not my intention to waste it. I wanted to spread it around. I was a volunteer in the non-profit sector and tried to spread opportunity and hope more evenly. Unfortunately, much of this work has been lost. After many layoffs I decided to start my own business. It failed spectacularly as did my relationship. Since then, I have not been encumbered with assets.  

At 26 my mother passed away. I was too overwhelmed by the grief and stress of caring for my father that I could not bear to be there. You will be able to handle the subsequent wealth. My inheritance did not allow me to live extravagantly but was enough to provide enough for a substantial amount of my needs. Down payment for a house. I recall that I paid $45,000 down to purchase a $149,000 property. A roughly equal amount I kind of let slip through my fingers — and my husband’s, which were extra slick. We were too young to not want to travel, eat at restaurants, and purchase grown-up stuff. 

I was able, until my business went bankrupt, to remain in the housing sector. However, as a woman of 50+, I was unable to find employment when I needed to return into the job market. Without a postgraduate degree, I was unable to get the low-paying jobs I had done in the past. I didn’t have one because I became a parent young. 

Things quickly went south. I was only offered short-term contracts and eventually became a nanny. I went further and further into debt. I was not able to live comfortably, but I did manage to buy groceries, prescription drugs and occasionally a bit of art to cheer me up.

My debts were finally consolidated through an insolvency agreement. This saved my credit but also saved my bacon. Almost. I was almost there. It was awful. It was really hard to believe that I could have gotten to this point. I needed to reflect on my past and forgive myself. 

It was awkward to ask my daughter for assistance, but it’s now working.

North America, where adversity should be overcome, and the myth of self-made man still reigns, is the place where financial help is supposed flow. It is from parent, not child.

Many people have written about the fact that only millennials who are able to go to their parents’ bank can ever purchase homes. Many of my contemporaries continue to go to the bank to support their families. That generation was able save because it paid 3x per year for a home, instead of 10x. Lots of my peers — especially the artists — don’t have pensions, and inflation has become unmanageable.

I have had to do the unthinkable and go to the bank of daughter and son-in-law, not that its reserve is large — they’ve just finished a multitude of university degrees and are getting established.

Why is it so shameful that parents can give financial support to their children? It wouldn’t in many cultures. Elders are revered and respected. They are the first to be taken care of. They are not my friends.

It was awkward for me to ask my daughter for her help. To save my face, I joked that I would provide free childcare for her children if she needed it. She did. I also took care of my granddaughter for one year, full-time during the epidemic. I still run around to assist her with her twin sisters, as often as my writing gigs and half-time work allow. My daughter persuaded that I stop doing the math while we worked our way through this mutual aid arrangement. 

My 36-year-old daughter Emma reminds me of the values that I instilled in my daughter (she wasn’t exactly a red diaper baby, but she was a pretty pink one): Dependence is not weakness; economic polarity can be appalling; greed is the most serious fault a person could have. Money is not a way to measure worth. I pay attention to her reminders.

I don’t write IOU notes anymore to track her help. I am glad that I gave in to the sales pitch. Whole-life insuranceYears ago, I felt great about leaving at least this as it will not leave me an inheritance. It makes me feel much better to know that my beneficiary doesn’t care about the policy at all and would prefer not collect it for very long.